Can't Turn Back
by kRocka
Summary: Jesse and James want more out of friendship but after a terrible accident neither of them can ever get what they want.


Can't Go Back 

Can't Go Back

I find myself trying to be as obselete as possible. Following the shadows in the grass that project down onto the silky smooth grass beneath my feet, I go undetected. It's late out and the only form of light that guides me to her is the moon light bleeding through the spaces where the trees let it through. My heart is racing now. I try not to let the atmosphere scare me but I'm petrified. I try not to let my mind now of it. I make it to her window and search the ground for anything that resemples a pebble to throw at her window. I want to get her attention and no one elses. She is like my rose, my love, my life and I can't let myself be without her. Her presence engulfs me with all of who she is. She is my everything, my soul. I only need to close my eyes and I can feel the sweet smell of her body against mine and I can't live without that. Seconds ago, I found that pebble I was searching aimlessly for and hit her window with it. I pause and wait, with my hear beating faster and my adrenaline rushing, I wait. I search every inch of her window space and see a figure approach it. Through her curtains I see her shadow creep towards me. Once she opens her window, I can see she's confused my me standing there. "Hey." Was my only words to her. She must think I'm some kind of idiot now. Standind outside a girl's window at night and all you say is "hey". I couldn't used the phone for that one. I feel myself beginning to sweat. "Oh, hi James." She pauses as I give a pathetic little wave.. "Eh,...what're you doing outside my window." She wispers. "I need to talk to you. Do you um, wanna....oh, I dunno....go get a pizza and head back to my place for a while?" Ok, now that sounded cheezier than the pizza I was asking her to order with me. God, sometimes I don't know why I talk. She remains confused my me. Sure we've been friends for since forever years now but she just doesn't get my logic sometimes. We grew up together. We were always neighbors and I had an attraction to her from the start. "Sure. I wasn't doing much." She laughs. "We both know I don't have a life. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get one. Or a house, or a boyfriend, or a...." She's still talking and I trail off. I can't hear anything else. Boyfriend? I hadn't even thought of that. Her with another man. We never talked about boyfriends or girlfriends since we both were content single. Or so I thought. Maybe she's just trying to make conversation but she's gonna get with someone eventually, that somebody should be me. 

Later on after the pizza, I find myself renting a movie with her and settling down on the couch to watch it. I wasn't even hungry. I just couldn't think of anything else to get her out of the house. I watch her as she puts in the movie. All her words melt into one as I watch her. Her beautiful body. My mind is thinking like a sex crazed lunatic but I'm not that way. I will always treat her right. My hands want to go places they shouldn't but I don't dare make a move. She sits next to me and wraps my arm around her body as she curls up beside me. I feel my hormones kicking in rapidly and I take a deep breath. 

"James, are you okay? You've been acting strange all night." She yawns and I look down at her. I want to tell her but I don't want to ruin this relationship we've built this far. I want it to go deeper. I want the passion to be there. I want her to call me her Prince and her lover. I want for her to be comfortable with me always. "Erhm...nothing's wrong. I'm just thinking about stuff." She nodds and doesn't take it any further...which is good. She looks back up at me and my eyes meet hers and she examines them closely. "Ya know James. I never told you this but I really love your eyes. They're the perfect color or emerald green. The catch the light so perfectly. They make me feel so warm and comfortable." She kisses my forehead. She never does that. The thought runs through my head of her possibly wanting more too. I can't get her out of my head. She's still looking into my eyeslike she's looking for some kind of answer. I put my hand on her uppers arm, close to her shoulder and the creap slowly up. I see her looking at me but she speaks no words so I continue. I lean in slowly and kiss her. I've never felt such bliss, such happiness. I had to kiss her again. What I had no idea of, was whether she was going to kiss me back or not. 

She did. She kissed me back with more passion than I thought. I brought both of my hands up and held onto her shoulders. Our kisses intensified and intensified. She took her hands and placed them on my back and pulled me closer. I felt her fingers digging harder and harder into my upper back as I increased the passion in my kisses. All of it was too much for me. My excitement was so strong I was beginning to get extremely errect and I wanted to show her what I could do with it. Even though I was a virgin I knew what I wanted to do; I had visions. My left hand went down the side of her body and took her hand and placed it on my chest. I continued to engulf her in kisses and brought her hand down my body. Her palm was heavy on my chest and her fingers like stimulants were guiding themselves in the right direction. As it went down my stomach the pressure decreased and her fingers finally touched my hard penis inside my pants. She quickly pulled away in a sense of frightened awareness of what she was doing. "James...I....I can't do this." I felt guilty. I felt like it was my fault. Like I dragged her into this and I didn't want that. I wanted her to be comfortable with me always. 

But she wasn't comfortable. In fact, she grabbed her things and went. Just picked up and left without another word. I saw the tears in her eyes though. I was left in an atmosphereic condition I didn't wanna be in. I gripped the seat of the couch and swore at myself. I took a deep breath and signed. Her notions were clear that she wanted to kiss me but I took it too far. Girls are really sensitive to those things. One step too far and they go crazy. Delicate flowers as they are, they're tricky and confuse you. Mess with your head and so...maybe that's why I never had a relationship before. 

I went to bed after that. The whole thing kept replaying and replaying in my head, over and over. I was lying in the dark, beneath my bed covers when I suddenly really want to talk to her. I hate having people mad at me and I need to make ammends before I go to sleep. So I rolled over and reached for the phone. I dialed her number and let it ring and ring and ring. Finally, someone picked up. "Hello?" a voice asks and I know imediatly it's Jesse's. "Jesse?" I frantically said. "Jesse...it's me James." I spoke abruptly. I hear no answer and then a click. "Hello?" I asked into the phone but no reply and then came the dial tone. A look of sadness escaped onto my face and shown there until I cried myself to sleep. 

The next day I woke up late. Too late and I missed work. I got up out of my bed and checked the caller-ID to see who called. Sure enough my work had been trying to get a hold of me all day. No Jesse though. Not one call from her. So I decided to take a shower and go over there. I wasn't sure if I could exactly look her in the face though. Showered and ready to go I left the house and got into the car. I wore my best black t-shirt with my blue jeans. I wanted to look nicer than ever so hopefully we can be at least friends again. I got to her house and her car was parked in the driveway. So was another. I didn't recognize it from afar but realized it was just Cassidy's green rusty jeep. Jesse had the maroon VW beetle. I didn't even know they made them in that color. I drove a RAV4. The paint is kinda like a metalic forest green type of color. If you can picture that. 

I knocked on the door and Cassidy answered. "Oh hey James." I smiled. "Hey." Even thought she gave me a inviting greeting she kinda eyed me differently. Maybe it was just me. Jesse probably told her the whole story. I entered anyway. Jesse lived in a small one floor house. It was nice for her since she was the only one living there. She had great taste and had decorations and knick knacks everywhere. She really outdid herself to make the whole house look inviting. 


End file.
